The time I failed....(letter to Torfeida)

I think it was my first year at University. I was reading for a degree in English at the Faculte des Lettres of Lyon. When the day for the exams results came, I took a train for the 50 mile journey from my home town of Macon to the university, to go and read the boards where the names of those who passed were posted. There I met all my class mates, the results were pretty much as predicted by past performance except that my name was not on that board. No matter how hard I looked I couldn't find it. So, in a profound state of chock, since I had always been an A student and felt totally bewildered as to what must have been expected of us, I got back on the train to face my immediate family, who in any case were very scathing about my ambition to study, and my neighbours, who weren't too favorably disposed towards our dysfunctional family unit and would no doubt rejoice at my failure. What would my grandmothers, who had such faith in me, be thinking now? And my kid sister, for whom I was meant to be an example? And the friends from the youth club, who all thought I was a bit of a genius.

The shame was intense!

Every jerk of the train hammered home that terrible reality: you've failed, you've failed...

I cried and cried and cried, without restraint, in darkest despair. And then I knew the only solution was to fling myself out of the train's door and die. I went to open that door a dozen times during the hour long journey. I was determined to end it all. Somehow, I didn't- as you can see-. But for sure that was the closest I ever got to suicide, ever...

All that summer, I revised for the re-sits, not quite knowing what it was that I was meant to have done better, but working like a Troyan, still. While others were sunning themselves by the municipal pool, I was up in the weeping willow tree, revising, While others went to the 14th of July people's dance, I was revising in my bedroom, while others went camping, hiking, folk dancing, cycling in the woods, climbing at Solutre, I was revising.

Then, towards the end of September, I became worried that I hadn't' heard anything from the University and rang the secretary to find out when the re-sits would be. Well, -heart to the bottom of my feet, straightaway-: the re-sits had been and gone, and I hadn't been told. But wait, she said, -heart back up to about hip level-, you didn't have to do re-sits, I'm sure you passed. Much checking ensued, and yep, you've guessed it I had passed with a commendation and a clerical error had been the cause of this nightmare summer.

What lessons did I draw from that?

Many! But all of them have been instrumental in my becoming a better teacher, probably, understanding the importance of constant monitoring of progress and feedback, and the terrible effect of the pressure of the phantom of failure on a young mind.

So:

First of all: chase that phantom!

Then: do study well, steadily, with application, with determination, with confidence that you are well able to pass and to achieve your aim and objective.

Stay in your self-esteem at all times: even a failure at an exam would not detract from who YOU really are.

Have confidence that those who truly love you will love you unconditionally and would not judge in any event. (God first of all, as you rightly say!)

Is this a little boring to read for all of you who have no exams? Don't worry, we all do face exams, of a different sort, results to be announced in a perhaps more distant future.

(Post totally inspired by Torfeida 's latest log)

Love and Peace.